She looked tan and happy. We greeted each other and ordered our food, then she said, "What's up, Mom?"Now the ball was in my court, and I didn't know ...hat to do with it. How do you tell your daughter that you are submissive just like she is? What do you say?"Um, remember how I said that I couldn't understand why you were doing what you were doing?" I asked."Uh, huh," she replied."Well, I think that I understand you better now," I said."Why's that?" she asked."I think that I'm becoming like. Beth and I never played "doctor" or "you-show-me-yours-and- I'll-show-you-mine" games. Oh, we sometimes talked about sex, but we never went beyond that point. Our parents were very strict, and discussion or mention of sexual subjects was a family taboo. That home atmosphere, together with a natural shyness we both seemed to have, prevented us from any type of overt sexual exploration with each other.This is not to say I wasn't interested in sex, because I was. The truth was that I stayed horny. My mother’s head appeared around the edge of my bedroom door. “Joshie? Bedtime soon?”“Give me thirty more minutes,” She disappeared, and I winced: my voice had dropped into command register automatically. It was happening all the time now: I didn’t mean to control my mother; it just happened. She didn’t even blink any more.It had been necessary, in the beginning. I had needed her to sign the papers withdrawing me from school, then to pay for the books that lined my walls. Then I’d pushed her to. The search for traitors was successfully maddening. We’d track down one certain spy and their interrogation would lead us to two, or more spies, but those we caught never really gave us enough to track the master spies and eliminate them.It was a classic case of three steps forward and two steps back.Doing just exactly as I was ordered, I killed each spy once they spilled all of their secrets. It was an unpleasant extension of my obligation, but the war made for many unpleasant things. My.
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